For many of you this is the first time
you’ve heard this term, for the rest indulge me a short definition. This
way we all move ahead with the same baseline. Cockblock – The act
or actions that cause a man to lose an opportunity for a connection with
the opposite sex. It’s as old as time and will surely be practiced far
into the future, unless we break the cycle.
Now
my small plea for understanding and tolerance among men will not change
the world but if I can convince one of you to try then my words have not
been typed in vain. The Cockblock is experiencing something of a
renaissance these days. A recent episode of “Undeclared” was devoted to
the crotch block (hey it was a network show). Every time one of
the freshmen was about to score another would walk over and drop a helpful
comment, “Come here and tell us again about the 1lb. booger you’ve saved
since 8th grade.” Thankfully the show was only a half hour
long, because after a while I cringed at each new attack on the poor guy.
Cable TV has a new brand of shows that split couples up and send them out
with new people and then does a QA with all involved parties all for our
amusement. Even lower is this new show where a women has like 6 guys take
her out and she eliminates them one at a time over the course of the
evening. What man in his right mind would sign up for that mission? The
show follows the men and chronicles their attempt to gain favor and make
the other men look inferior; Cockblocking 101 is now in session.
There are many variations of this quirk in human behavior. Now that it has a name, many of you now realize you have been victim to a Cockblock a time or two no doubt. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common experience. This is a short list of the darker or more evil variations. These are particularly heinous in that they are for the most part premeditated. Perhaps the most widely used variation is the Ex-CB. In this scenario a former wife, girlfriend, lover, or object of affection exacts revenge by sabotaging a current or potential hook up. “Yeah he was great in bed if you didn’t mind the way his nose wouldn’t stop running.” Or “Did he ever get rid of that huge porno collection?” More common than white bread and delivered with malice this variation is hard to totally avoid but use your head. Once out of the pool don’t date her sisters, co-workers, aunts, neighbors, etc. You don’t have to move but use some sense. Next up on the list of evil is the Unprovoked-CB. This variety is even meaner than the Ex-CB in that the victim is attacked or blindsided by a total stranger. After having a wonderful dinner out with a bright funny attractive woman we headed to nearby club. The bouncer waved me through and as I went to order a drink I noticed I was standing alone. Over my shoulder I could see my dinner date fumbling in her purse so I walked back outside. When she saw me she laughed and asked the bouncer why he hadn’t carded me. I shrugged and he came back with, “Well your Dad has a few more wrinkles than you.” True story and thankfully it was not a romantic night out so I was able to laugh it off. Although I must admit it is hard to laugh without smiling, didn’t want my crows feet showing, just in case. The Unprovoked-CB heinous, rude and most deadly of all the Cockblock species currently cataloged.
Just as in
war, there are times when a man can be taken down
by
friendly fire in the battle against the fairer sex. Actually there are a number
of these variations each different but all have the same result. The
Familiar-CB comes from the heart. Most common form is a sibling or other
relative throwing out a CB to; if you can believe this, protect us from making a
mistake. These kinds of mistakes I could use. No one was throwing CBs my way
when I really needed them, before either one of my weddings. Friends and
families mean well, but meddling in these types of things can lead to bad
feelings with long memories. The Accidental-CB is exactly what it says,
an accident or temporary loss of perspective. Friends do this sometimes when
they are not thinking. “Holy moly! Joe’s date looks exactly that hooker he had
in Vegas last year.” Meanwhile across the punch bowl stands the date’s roommate.
This is actually a two part CB in that it also has the Time Released-CB
component. Usually this CB goes out like a torpedo with the launcher rarely
seeing the explosion but the fallout always makes it way back. In our example
above Joe was done in by an Accidental Time Released-CB, poor Joe. The final
non-malicious variety is the Self-CB. Just as we all can make mistakes
in regards to our friends, men also can have the misfortune of sinking their own
ship before they realize their folly. Case in point, recently I was invited to
house party
in
the hills of San Francisco. I knew only the host so I brought a friend with
me. Once we made the journey from my place to his then to the party my bladder
was ready burst. The Starbuck’s venti coffee was screaming for an exit and I
had to comply. As I was making my way to one of the bathrooms in the house I
was approached by a striking young woman who asked if wanted to take a bath. I
said no, brushed by her and closed the door to the bathroom. I realized my self
inflicted CB when I heard her ask my friend the same question through the door.
Too late now, tragedy, perhaps not but it does illustrate the concept of how we
can sometimes be our own worse enemy. Just in case you were wondering, no
baths were taken that evening and no lasting damage was done since I really
didn’t know anyone.
The ugly truth is
no one really wins. This cancer on our human race has become so woven into the
collective unconscious that we openly laugh and mock the victims and sometimes
cheer and encourage the attackers. I would like to think that there is
someplace between “The Man Show” and “The View”. 
I mean what would happen if we turned the tables? I often wonder if the old
adage “It’s a Man’s World” was actually written by a woman who realized if men
thought they were in control then they would have to take responsibility when
things go wrong. Sort of a figure head position, no real power but he has to
take the falls. Women may have tricked us into thinking we are on top while we
fight each other for their brief
affections.
Such a waste, and as long as they control the crotch strings and purse strings
we will continue to suffer. I think of the scene in “Fight Club” where Tyler
Durden orders the club members to go out and start a fight, and lose. It sort
of teaches a different lesson, instead of lauding the club members prowess, it
forced them to use their strength to empower other lesser souls. See where
I’m going? I suggest a new strategy and credo; See a brother, Help a brother.
So the next time you’re out and you see me (or any man for that matter) out on
date, walk up and thank me (us) for something. Saving your Mom’s life works for
me, or try what ever you think you can pull off and my date will believe.
Probably can’t change the world overnight but just think of the world if we, as
men, all helped each other out. Leftcoastlove indeed!