This has been an odd week to say
the least. I somewhat mended a black hole in my heart only to have two
more open up. I think pure happiness as a constant is too much to dream for.
Although my energy and enthusiasm might suggest a man much younger, I do
have some miles. I have traveled a long path and lived many different lives
to arrive here in California, living my dream. Until recently I didn’t even
know I had a dream. The past two years have taught me more than the previous
30. I’ve never really lived my life until now, thankfully I figured this out
before I missed out. Being the oldest has been a blessing and a challenge
over the years. In my earliest youth it was the cause for competition with
some siblings that didn’t end until recently. I didn’t ask to be born first
and I have tried to my ability to be a good big brother. I think my attempts
to be “super-bro” have painted me into a corner.
In my efforts to be loved, accepted, liked, revered,
etc. I often put the needs (or what I perceived as needs) of others ahead of my
own. This has taken its toll so the other night I decided that I am not a
service anymore. In the past I would drop whatever to help and now it has
become the expectation. In my current situation I have a pretty good job
where people think I’m smart and funny. My opinion is sought out and valued.
My personal appearance is complimented and all in all it makes for a
positive energy, self affirming experience. Isn’t that how it should be?
Things work much better when we build up people. Outside of work I have an
eclectic mix of friends who also think I’m smart and funny. They too
compliment my appearance and seek out my time. My friends help me do the
website and that led to helping my friend Jim in doing the TV show which is
leading to …… get the idea? I get phone calls and emails during the week, we exchange
instant messages and the whole thing makes time seem all too short. Effort
and energy are expended on both sides and that’s where all the love comes
from. This is the sweetness that life has given me.
This past week had me sitting across
from my ex-wife in a diner in Palo-Alto. It was a great experience for me
because I have really let that (bad) part go and I can now appreciate the positive
effects of the entire relationship, instead of dwelling on the end. Much of
my fun and self-expression is now possible because of some of the
experiences and ideas nurtured by her. Sorry no love fest and there is
probably not going to be a repeat but it is nice to have a new better last
memory. Final note of that evening: I had to pick up a pair of pants and
the sales clerk at the Ralph Lauren store kept talking to the ex as if we
were married, in fact she commented that it was nice to see a wife out to
help shop for "just plain black pants". Maybe we have another reality show
tucked in there. Get two divorced people who haven’t spoken to each other in
almost two years and put them in a mall. They can win cash and prizes for
every time
they are mistaken as still married or we can watch it all unravel in a
public setting. Somebody would watch.
This, I thought, would be the transition to the
beginning of my super summer. Chances are I will be looking for work by
years end and with the yolk of my divorce shed I figured Game On! As I
stated above, constant happiness is just not possible. Issues that get
resolved only make room for a fresh set to be tabled. Given the public nature of this forum I can’t really
get into the specifics and for the sake of this piece the details are not
the point. The point is positive energy and effort get you the same in return. I have
great people in my life who can make time to talk to me, send me an email that
isn’t asking for something, or better yet call just to make me laugh. I also get
other calls where the first thing I hear is a complaint because I haven’t done
something, haven’t called, haven’t sent the check, posted a picture,
remembered this or that. If that’s what you got, leave it.
I’m not mad, picking a fight or
anything else. I’m also ready for the consequences that this statement will
bring, but this is something I can live with. Here’s what I can’t live with
anymore, weeks and weeks of no contact unless I initiate it, being put on
hold or not being able to spend any meaningful time with someone because
they are too busy, mean comments about things that are important to me,
statements that judge me or my friends, and finally statements about my
physical appearance that are not complimentary. It’s that simple, I can’t
recycle everybody’s trash anymore. I will not return the junk either, it
only makes matters worse. So before you call me a “dick” again thinks about
all the time you haven’t had for me, and before you try to lay another guilt
trip on me think about how busy you are. Constant happiness should not be
the goal, instead findand feed the fires that feed your fire. Yes Virginia, Leftcoastlove is
real, but you have to bring some to get some.
Peace,
Sean
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