Lounge Lizard

You ask, what happened to the Lizard? I’m still here. Just been hiding under my rock for a while. Didn’t want you to forget about the view from “mature” end of the spectrum. It’s time for another middle-aged take from your favorite Lounge boy.

OK, the Lizard is hooked. For the last week I’ve been either staying up until 2:00am or getting up at 4:00 am. Dozing off in meetings during the day, Why? Futbol. No, not football – futbol. The game we Yanks so easily and ethnocentrically call “soccer” even though everywhere else in the world it’s futbol.

Yeah, I know, it’s weird--unAmerican. Too low scoring, etc., etc. The players are in great shape—they can run forever, and back again. So why, when they get bumped ever so lightly, do they have to writhe around like they had their spleens removed with a chainsaw? And then when the ref doesn’t see it, (or more likely, ignores it) bounce up like nothing happened? There’s no crying in baseball, but there sure as hell is acting in Futbol. There’s a lot not to like about Futbol.

The referee keeps time on the field so nobody really knows how much time is left. When they commit flagrant fouls, the referee hauls out his yellow card and waves it in the face of the offender. Like that’s supposed to scare them into being good little boys. Yeah, I know, 2 yellows and you’re out of the game (and the next one too). It’s just seems foreign to our untrained American eyes.

Since the World seems to think the quadrennial World Cup tournament is such a big deal, the Lizard figured that maybe a little LeftCoastLove was in order. I mean after all, maybe the World knows something that we Yanks have been missing. So I put on my tolerance hat and tried to keep the old mind open just a little.

After peeking in on US vs South Korea, and being encouraged and entertained by a 1-1 tie starting at 11:20pm, I was equally discouraged by our boys’ uninspired collapse against an already eliminated Poland side (3-1), only to be buoyed by our rescue from Futbol Oblivion, thanks to our South Korean friends, who were kind enough to tie Portugal, 1-1. Don’t ask me to explain how you can get your butt kicked but still advance to the “round of 16”. It has something to do with wins, losses, ties, and total goals scored. All the dull statistical stuff.

The surprising thumping of our neighbor to the south (US 2, Mexico 0) makes me wonder... Who are these guys? Where did they come from? What makes them think they can play with the best 8 sides in the world? (They call their teams “sides”.) I have no idea, but I’m having a hard time thinking this isn’t just maybe a big deal after all.

Will this be another “miracle on ice” (1980 US Olympic hockey team beats USSR for the gold medal), but this time on grass? Not likely, but I’m sure as hell not going to miss it if it does happen. Meanwhile, no sleep for the Lizard. Except in those meetings.