Intimacy among married couples clocked in with an average of 7 minutes
according to a recent survey. Conversation came in with an average of
10 minutes per day. Now that figure seemed low but once basic
household communication was factored out (are you done in the bathroom?) the
survey reflected "quality conversation". We can argue the definition
but I think the two figures together represent an appalling picture of life
between two people who trust each other. What has trust brought to
these relationships?
Isn't that why we got married in the first place? We trust that our
partner will love honor and obey and that our little existence will not
continue alone. We expect a lot from this arrangement and that's
the seed that will kill it. Marriage or commitment is not a slot
machine that you play until it pays off. Once completed you don't sit
back and wait for the benefit check to show up.
Act and more important be true. True is different than trusting. Trusting is passive and it can lead to the dreaded passive cancers. The list is long of passive cancers but here are a few of the more common varieties: taking for granted, expectations, laziness, complacency, and lowering your standards. Taking for granted goes hand in hand with trust. We trust that our mate won't cheat, we take it for granted then we actually stop trying to keep their interests. I can't imagine any couple putting up with 7 minutes in the beginning. When we didn't trust we worked harder, we talked more, we wanted to show our mate something. Once attained many fall victim to the passives. Ok, so what, then what, shit just shut up.
It doesn't have to stay that way. Passives can be killed, they hate
activity. I got my helmet on put me in coach. Do something that
illustrates that you are still alive. This works for friendships as
well. Ruby stopped over the other night and provided me a perfect
example. She stopped over unexpectedly and barely dressed in the most
wonderful clingy red dress.
I was wearing the latest
in unemployment chic, 3 day wrinkle jeans and week old shadow. Ruby is
an old friend and she wanted to go out and play in the city. I was
leaning towards the "let's stay in and visit" mode. Then it hit me.
I was taking this opportunity for granted. I switched gears and
cleaned myself up so that I looked
as good as Ruby. We
had a great dinner in the city and we also visited the
Oxygen Bar for a little
side adventure. The evening was a total four star funfest. I was
better off being an active participant in our friendship than trusting
spaghetti and HBO as a way to deepen our connection. I feel closer to
her and I think I understand her a lot more now.
Treating people and relationships in an active mode takes more energy, more time, more creativity, and more of you than trusting your current situation will hold. Less of life also means the losses and missteps will cause more damage because we are only able to react to the worst of life. Living your friendships and loves keeps you current. You can see and react to trouble long before it becomes a deal breaker or relationship crusher. Participating and learning also keeps things fresher. The relationships that change and grow over time are constantly new. New is good! New is young! New is for you!
Trust nothing and do the new!
Peace
--Sean--