I watched the sunny California coast slip away onto the horizon this morning. My second time flying since the terrible days after 9-11. I must admit the security waits and checks were smooth and I hardly needed all the extra time I had prepared for. I am heading back east this week. I have time and for the next few months I have money so let's go back and check on everybody. In a way I don't like going back, it reminds me of my failures. Personal, professional and even family wise the ugly parts of my life all reside well east of the leftcoast. The streets and neighborhoods, the businesses where I worked, even the vaguely familiar faces I see in the mall seem to see right through me. I know it's all in my head but I carry a lot of guilt that manifests itself at times like this. While I was growing up I didn't really understand much of what was happening around me. A family in chaos and kids who shouldered the weight. We did pretty good in the days before TV therapy was available four times a day.
Day 2
Last night I drove by Shaker High School. The drama club was rehearsing and although the seats were all new and there was new paint everywhere it still felt like home. Phil Rice is directing now as he did then and he was very happy to see me. I walked around backstage and found that the wall I had painted 20 years ago was intact. People had added to it but the name was legible. At the time I never thought I would be back looking to see if the paint remembered. The kids in school now are the children of my classmates so my face is only recognized by the teachers who are still teaching. The past and present meld together and I realize that I don't really have a traditional past or heritage. Some wise guys in them olden times said you can't know where you are going if you don't know where you come from. Maybe that's the missing piece, am I searching for my past to help me reset my compass. I don't need to search because it's not that I don't know where I come from it's more like I don't want to know.
Day 3
Here we go. He's up he's down he's up he's down...it's a bipolar world after all! Kids can put it all into perspective sometimes. My niece Megan has been all jacked since unka Sean showed up. Now for my friends back left I have taking all kinds of pictures so you can see what and where my old life is was..uh..yeah like that. I hate coming back and not having a job, so at least I should look good. Fresh haircut and color boost and I rented a white Mustang for the east coast tour festival. The Mustang was actually very inexpensive so I could rationalize that one very quickly. I toured the old neighborhood and wondered down to shores of the mighty Mohawk River. The old rail tracks were converted to a bike path and I often went there to think and reflect during my days in Albany. The bike path seemed to be a nice metaphor for my current state, only being able to see a short distance ahead. The sky and everything seems gray to me. It has a feeling of sadness and energy loss. I am already homesick for Cali. It is cold and there is snow forecast for the weekend, of course that is when I am going to see Dan in NYC. I don't really think I could ever come back here to live. Even though we have our grey rainy days there is still an energy or pulse that comes from the area. Maybe it's the fact we live on earthquake prone ground.
I had lunch with Darlene at The Mousetrap. This pizza/Italian/sports bar/neighborhood haunt is my "Cheers" if you will. I have been going there since I was 15 and I know the entire family and yes many of the patrons, still. I had a serious crush on Tracee the older sister who worked as a waitress back when I was using a fake ID. The son Scott and I are about the same age and by the time he was old enough to tend bar Will and I were old enough to have our chairs at the bar. I used to drink Heineken on tap in a chilled mug. It was the place to go after work, before hitting the clubs, or yes after Thanksgiving dinner. Tracee still works there and she hung out with us while we had lunch. Swapping stories and catching up. It was great to see them but it also again made me glad I escaped. Kids, ex-husbands, kids, current husbands, etc. and none of it really happy. Just ...well gray. Just ...there. Is this really living? Maybe the uncertainty I'm feeling now is just the thing keeping me young and most surely not gray. I may get down but I go full into blue, or if I'm upset red it is, happy is a rainbow or a warm yellow. Colors are the reflection of light waves off of various nouns. Moods and emotions are love reflected off people. Whoa! We will come back to that one. Overall lunch was charming, the ladies fawned on me and my club sandwich proved more than I could handle in one sitting. Darlene is doing well and says "Hi" to her buddies in Leftcoastloveland. She's got a boyfriend and although her back is still hurting she is keeping her Cali "minimalist" look. Mmmmm:)
Megan and went to Burger King and man did we party. An old friend from high school was there with her tribe of youngins' and we put it all together. Megan and I arrived first an we were well into dinner when Mary Teresa showed. Megan kept saying, "This is a most beautiful and wonderful day." I would ask why and her response was, "Because I'm with you." Ugh right through the heart. Now maybe part of the fun was the ride over in the Mustang, Megan yelling, "Go faster!" from the confines of her rear seat mounted car seat. The kids all got along and Megan hugged everyone good bye. For her it was a huge day. Those two hours talking with Mary Teresa and playing with the kids in a little Burger King in gray Latham New York turned out to be priceless. Mary and I were close in school and it took oh maybe 10 seconds before we were cracking hard. From Burger King we headed over to visit my Mom and Ron. I took Megan as a shield. I feel weird coming home with no job. God it's a cancer in my thought process. I think they wanted to see me but of course the world of Leftcoast is never easy (mostly due to my own mental gyrations). We had coffee and apple pie and Megan played with her toys. A very proper and cordial visit. Handshakes and discussions of digital cameras, life in general non emotional terms. It felt clean and sort of gray. The antiseptic hospital stainless steel gray.
I
dropped Megan off and after a bed time story I was back to The Mousetrap.
This time Scott was there with his yummalicious 23 year old girlfriend
Amanda.
Scott's brother Mike was also in the house. Scott started by telling
me that after I moved he took the Heineken off tap because apparently Will and I
were the only ones who drank it. Yikes! Anywho the scene at the
bar was fun and Amanda was treated to Scott and I swapping old war stories.
Dyke fight night, Mid-Winter mooning, hash browns and gravy, the stories
kept coming and coming until Amanda could take no more. Amanda has a
great personality and she and Scott make a good couple. Once again I
forgot my situation and I was distracted enough to actually enjoy myself.
I missed my friends and it was great the way things flowed seamlessly even
though many years had passed. Maybe I can come home after all.
Then it struck me, is Scott chasing the same thing I am? He has never
settled into a lasting long term relationship and each new woman is younger
than the previous. Uh oh! Maybe I should carefully close that
door and step back behind the yellow line. That door
may be a mirror
and I am not ready to see myself that way, for now I'll just project this
onto other people as my way of dealing with it. Jim, Scott, Will, and
me, friends or enablers? Nope! Don't want to open that door
today either.
This is why being east is bittersweet. Megan and dinner at Burger King made me thankful I made this trip. She doesn't see anything other than me. She doesn't care about my job or designer sweater she just wants one on one time. Well she's gonna get it! My mom stopped by with more coffee. Dunkin' Donuts has become regular stop 6 times a day. They know me or at least they recognize my voice in the drive through box. Tonight it's Will and Jerhanner in that order.