Sympathy

It’s stranger than your sympathy and this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out and all my fears have pushed you out
And I wished for things I don’t need (All I wanted)
And what I chase won’t set me free (It’s all I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah, everything is all wrong, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was
I’m stranger than your sympathy I’ll take these things so I don’t feel
I’ve killed myself from the inside out and now my heads been filled with doubt
Now it’s hard to lead the life you choose (All I wanted)
When all your loves run out on you (All I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah, she’s easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
I’m stranger than your sympathy and all these thoughts you stole from me
Now I’m not sure where I belong and no where’s home when I’m all wrong
And I wasn’t all the things I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk
And all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
It’s stranger than your sympathy
--Goo Goo Dolls 2002—

Well friends we are going deep into the cave today. The lyrics above illustrate why I still love pop music. My tastes have broadened to include jazz, r&b, soul, and yes even dance, but pop keeps me coming back. The critics have always poo pooed the tastes of the unwashed masses. Hey, no one was more popular with the rabble than Shakespeare. His plays appealed everyone and he even wrote in (gasp) the vernacular. Please don’t think for a minute I’m elevating the Goo Guys to the level of Shakespeare, I'm just making the point that often something is not bad just because it is embraced by popular culture. This song is from their new album and it has struck a particular chord in me. I have poked and stepped around this chord for the past few years and now I think I’m ready to plunk at it’s strings for a bit.

I have often found great healing power in music. My life has been for the most part great and I am certainly not complaining, but as is the nature of life I too have experienced periods of sorrow and regret. These times give us perspective and something to measure our joy against. My divorce has weighed heavy on my mind and I think I am finally ready to totally let go and really appreciate the blessings my friends have given me since. Snowy was over the other evening working on her first article for the website and discussing the nature of love. We were trying to figure out why often the people we think we want don’t want us, and worse why people we don’t want desire us. As we ran down the roll call of crashes and burns we discovered an interesting thread, the relationships that had lasted for a period were initiated by chance. The really bad wrecks had been the relationships we chased the hardest. Hmmm? We joked that it seemed to work out when “love” found us. Now that raises another whole area of introspection. How do I prepare to receive love?

On occasion, daytime TV can deliver a point of view that is dead on. Buried deep inside a recent episode of the Ananda Lewis show I came across this nugget. In order to receive love we have to already love ourselves. So simple, and so dead on bulls eye first place in your face, true! I can finally look back and see some things as they really were. I really wasn’t ready to be married; I thought if I followed “the approved plan” happiness would follow. I did the right things, bought the right rings, changed my ways and even changed where I made my pay. I became someone else and I wasn’t strong enough to fess up. I can’t get out, take your medicine and get on with “normal married life”. What a farce! I was so unhappy and unmotivated for a future that looked like a series of concessions ending with my total disappearance.

My last marriage ended with a betrayal and the subsequent hell that it created. Our last words and interaction were full of anger and hate. It was the hate I think I liked the most. It kept me warm at night, it made me feel superior and righteous. It would be the club I could wave over her forever. I liked the idea that each year "they" spent together would have an anniversary that coincided with her betrayal. I had nice fuzzy dreams of the heartache she would feel when (if) her babies asked how she met Daddy. Would she tell them she was married to someone else when she was swept off her feet? Doubtful, she didn’t tell me. This was fine for a year or so. I loved hating her and the time I wasted. I hoped she was gaining weight and I hoped that “he” was discovering what he really got. I wished the thoughts of her betrayal would eventually cause him to leave since it would might happen to him too. I think I wrote 100 bad TV movies that first year. This past week I was drawn back to reexamine that position. The new movie “Unfaithful” is being released (this is not really entertainment if you’ve lived through it) and the new Goo Goo Dolls cd came out. Now part of me wanted to send the still happy couple a pair of tickets to the show, but after listening to the song “Sympathy” I changed my mind.

It was the part of me that still hated her that was keeping me from really liking myself again. I had been dating and trying to find a place in this world for a while, but something was missing though. This simple song says a world and it made me realize the part of the failure I owned. Betrayal of this nature doesn’t happen overnight. So what happened that made this option seem good at the time? The fact is we split up before the vows were ever taken. I had given up so much of me and what made me attractive in the first place that neither of us liked me anymore. Making matters worse neither of us was strong enough to bail, instead we chugged forward. This is a variation on the “stay together for the kids” complex. In our case it was our own whacked self pride that kept us on track for disaster.

And I wished for things I don’t need (All I wanted)
And what I chase won’t set me free (It’s all I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawling on my knees

And I wasn’t all the things I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk
And all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me

I think I finally get it. So everyone who is still reading please rise and witness my declaration and new direction.

No longer will my hate torch burn!

I may never forget what happened, but I don’t hate her anymore. In fact I have looked at my part over and over. I do now recognize my part in it, and I am also ready to forgive myself and to a larger extent her. How it came out was bad but I can see how it happened. For the “new guy” (I guess he’s the old guy now 2 years later) I don’t have hate anymore either, but there is no forgiveness.

Oh yeah, she’s easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

I’m stranger than your sympathy and all these thoughts you stole from me
Now I’m not sure where I belong and no where’s home when I’m all wrong

I don’t want to be wrong anymore. I won’t make the same mistakes again. In fact much of my new life is about doing totally new things and accepting people that are different than me. A funny thing has happened as a result, I really like myself again and I have so many new friends. I’m sure romantic love will find it’s way back into my life but for now I am exploring the love of friends and letting that free me. Sympathy? No thanks, I have to drive.