A growth period? A personal quest? A journey that is just beginning? All of the above and then some. I know there is a book or movie in here somewhere. The best place on earth the best people and a 30 something bi-polar to stir the mix. This is a work in progress so check back for new additions.
Updated 10-28-2002
Everything always seems to make sense at the end, books, movies, even parts of your life. The plot lines fall together. Those dangling threads finally cross and it actually looks as if it were scripted for a mini-series. I remember waking up way back in January and wondering what this new year was going to bring. Jeez who knew? I guess the year began with Nikka Costa. Technically it was Christmas week 2001 but that's close enough for Leftcoastlove. I was in Hollywood, California standing outside The House of Blues with Jimmy the Jag. We had just spent the day test driving luxury cars and now it was time to bask in the glow that is Nikka. She might be the evil spawn of Janis Joplin and Prince but I love her. She is beautiful and scary, both in equally pulse quickening amounts. I think I was lamenting my lack of a personal life, or something along those lines about that time. I was still bruised and bleeding from divorce number two and I was really hoping for a change of fortune. Two time loser left to flounder alone in a different world. Sure I'd lived here a while but everything outside of work circled around home and family and now that was gone. But at least I had a job.
Updated 10-29-2002
Through the winter and spring I ushered more and more shows and eventually I began dating again. The rock shows were usually better than the dates back then. I recall one particular night that I refer to the "Night of the Crooked Bi*ch" basically she spent the evening complaining while hunched over a cocktail. She was lucky I slowed down so she could get out of the car at the early end of our evening.
As winter turned into spring my circle of friends was growing quickly. Alexis had joined fray and Andy had jumped back into the ushering game. Dan and I were working on some story ideas for the website and the weather was starting to turn extra wonderful. Then came the first of the major layoffs at my office. Empty cubes and a feeling that it was only beginning. It was if the whole environment changed during that period. I joked aloud that I was sure to be next, and all I wanted was a good summer without job worries then I would be happy. As it turned out the summer was the best and my job ended with the last of the long weekends.
Starting with the Memorial Day clambake and ending in Newport Beach with an end of summer blow out, it was a season I won't soon forget. The people I've met along the way have been colorful and they continue to add to my life. I remember how nervous Snowy and I were the first time we went before the TV cameras. I can still hear Jim telling us to be large. Pete Townshend's guitar once again filled the air and friends both old and new came to visit. Darlene came out for a week she called her "Fantasy Island". Back in NY she is a mother of four and a professional in her field. Her life is always full of activity and she wouldn't change a thing, but for one week she left it behind and soaked up the sun and did nothing but have fun and indulge herself. She touched base everyday but after that it was all about new experiences and places with an old friend.
August rolled in and although I didn't know my life was almost 180 degrees from where it had started. Reggae on the River and the experience of being just a person attached to nothing was perhaps the final step on this journey. 200 miles north of SF deep in the tall trees 20,000 people just hung out and danced. We were only connected by the music and community of the event. Names and nicknames bounced freely and I don't recall one mention of work or corporate affiliation. It stripped me down to Sean, I had to be myself without any protection.
Updated 10-30-2002
A funny thing happened, people liked me and I fit in. Now this group is hardly the litmus test for the rest of the world. They basically accept all people who are friendly and appreciate the finer points of shaking their reggae. The type of people they can sniff out are the ones who are uncomfortable with themselves. These people leave a trail much like a snail who leaves that slimy ribbon of goo behind them.
Updated 10-31-2002
Ok where was I going with that yesterday? This exercise is actually turning out to be quite fun. I think what you will start to see is that most of the stuff I pound out doesn't make it to the web. Good thing huh? Anywho it's Halloween and I'm getting ready to don my costume and hit San Francisco with Alexis. I have gotten another night out of my costume thus reducing it's per use cost by 50%. This no work thing is really starting to work it's way into everything. On a good note; I received an email yesterday from a previous boss asking if I wanted to build a website for some money. Hello! We played email tag and then a one hour long laugh fest on the phone. It was as if their was no break in our relationship. This led to a good conversation that actually gave me some real hope and excitement for life as a hired gun, contractor. Many of my previous co-workers were now doing well working a mix of short and long term contract jobs. It is all on me but I know that I am now ready to do this. My friends and family are all convinced that I will be successful if this what I choose to do. Um, maybe they are ahead of me.
In other news Ruby has come out from hiding. She has left the coffee shop but is still local. We had a great time hanging out and watching movies while discussing the possibility of the lost continent of Atlantis. A surreal time for sure as this mix of legend, history, and red sequined tube top made my head spin. I sometimes stop and ask myself "How did I get here?".."This is not my beautiful house..." etc. (Talking Heads). So how does this work into the year end review? Well I lost contact with Ruby (she has a few web pages here and over on SnowyForest.com) so it was great we got a chance to catch up and plan for next year.
Another year in review thought. Last night my apartment was suddenly filled with red and white swirling lights. In the old days I would have just attributed it to the case of empty Molsen bottles scattered around my floor. I leap for my camera and then I think how lame am I taking a picture of a fire truck in my parking lot. In a way it's sort of connection to my brother. During our youth I tortured him since he had police and fire scanners on 24/7 along with a ham radio and god knows what else. Our house had this big ass antennae and I swore he was such a total geek. Now I am so proud of him and the life he has carved out for himself. He is a firefighter and I guess when I see the truck I think of him, maybe he can tell.
Snowy and I watched The Shining last night. I mean she watched it and I snored on the couch.
Finally for those of you who don't know about Odd Todd I would suggest a visit. His site hits a little close to home these days. http://oddtodd.com/index2.html
Updated 11-02-2002
Six more days. The calendar is now at the midpoint. Planning carefully is important since the end of the revenue stream is in site. My employer did provide a very nice severance package and I am in good shape for the next few months. Although it only seems like a short time ago I was planning for two years out, now I plan to see what I can get away with until next month. On the other hand short term planning is much easier and you know the results immediately. At my age I sometimes feel like I'm behind my peers. Most are settled and secure and I seem to be still finding my way. Yikes! Then I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Jimmy the Jag during one of our introspective periods. I was telling him that it is us who have the life, we are rock stars, we rule, and most of our contemporaries would switch places with us tomorrow. We live in California and we are free to travel, explore and experiment with our lives.
My mom called me this morning and we were discussing the "tribe" phenomenon. In a recent magazine article this cultural trend was explored and it seems to be growing. In many ways this website is an example of a tribe. A collection of people who share a common interest or friendship and work together much like a family. They support each other and share time and energy. Often these groups are much more un-dysfunctional than real blood lines. Much of the baggage from childhood is negated and tribes for the most part choose their members. Tribe members with known "issues" are given latitude since it is "pre-diagnosed" condition. I love my tribe although the roles have changed and evolved over the past year. In the beginning I was the glue and chief agitator. Plus I felt somewhat responsible for the other members. I liked this role but now I am learning to be more of a receiver. I have been letting the tribe care for me while I look for a new job. I am strong and optimistic largely because they have all rallied to my side and they keep me being me. I like this "tribe" idea although the moniker does suggest California and crystal rubbing. My tribe has grown steadily over the year and this coming weekend will have group of us ushering The Rolling Stones concert at PacBell Park. The culmination of a great year of concerts and laughter.
I am also planning a sneak attack on the east coast. Under the stealth of frequent flyer miles I will make my way back to NY for a week or so. I am looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews and how much they've grown. I am excited to re-connect with friends I haven't seen in over a year. Jerhanner is engaged and she has moved, Dave and Julie have rebuilt their house yet again, and I am really curious to see what Will has been up to. He is one of those life long guy friends. We met in the service over 10 years ago and we worked together as a tag team for Pizza Hut back in the 90's. Roommates and at times soul mates. We can go without contact and pick right back up. We have the rare ability to talk and explore without judging. My first concern is always Will and then we move on from there. I often wish he would join me here in Leftcoastloveland, I know he would flourish in this part of the world. Even without a job I have never been more at home than I am now. Enough hearts and flowers for Will.
http://www.2koolwebs.com/nba Will's last visit to Cali
I am sitting in a cafe near the marina. Sipping coffee and watching the world slowly pass by. Sausalito is located at the far end of the Golden Gate Bridge in Marin County. Originally the home of the San Francisco yacht club, this little community has a very European flavor. The streets are small and the downtown is a collection of art galleries and restaurants. I was supposed to meet some one here a little more than an hour ago. It would seem I am being stood up. I figure why not make the best of it and actually sit down and do the tortured author ala high tech in a coffee shop dealio. I am typing away and of course I am getting that weird look from some of the patrons. I am writing not just posing. In fact here's a few of the pictures I've been taking while waiting here.
Now that I've set the stage and you have the visual I can continue. Does the location influence the work? I think so! I am in a very different place writing here than home at my work station. I feel more artistic and introspective although this dribble hardly suggests it. I should probably move onto a more heavy subject. Taking chances and trusting your history is my newly evolving mantra. Of course I can't see into the future but my own history has had me recover from everything, no matter how tragic or horrible. In fact I have not only recovered but I have moved onto to greater periods of creativity, romance, and/or professional success. It's scary at times because I always seem to get what my heart aches for. Maybe not exactly when I think need it but eventually it all seems to come together. Often when I am not looking for it or have forgotten that I once pined for it. The nastiness of this blessing is that the minute I expect or look for the brass ring everything falls apart. I guess it works like karma, you have to let it be and act out of purity of thought not expectation of reward. Yeah! Now we are getting deep and kicking around a few rocks in my cave.
I was so angry and full of energy for so much of my youth. Life sucked a lot, then I had a good week here and there. It made my life sort of like a golfer who only plays on the weekends. Lots and lots of strokes and the occasional par. It was that par, that one hole out of 18, 36, or more that made me come back again. Some afternoons I lost balls, lost my temper, lost my wits, but if I made just one sweet drive or a tight chip shot the rest of the day faded into memory. I could recount the exact swish of the 3 wood through the grass as one of my fairway drives managed to bang the pin. The pros do it week in and week out but for the humble duffer we live those few moments of Zen on the weekend.
I think my life has been like that. I forget the missed shots and remember the pars, maybe I need to forget that for the most part this has been a long and ugly journey. Made all the more clear by recent days alone. Trying to find a job these days is difficult ego busting business. A few weeks ago I made decisions and people listened to what I had to say. Now it seems like everybody else has the authority and I have to start over again. Is it like this for everybody? I think so. I was watching the Discovery Channel the other night and even in ancient times the life of the "normal" bloke was quite mundane. The rich have always had it great. I was fascinated by how the archeologists chose the area most likely to be the "Beverly Hills" of this buried city. They found the sewers and followed them to the homes with the most outlets. These folks could afford and demanded the best of the engineering and art available at the time. These former palaces and villas yielded the most "art" and "valuable relics" so that's what they went after. I can understand this approach if all they were doing was digging for treasure. Instead the scientists claimed that they needed a more accurate picture of how people lived at the time. Hmmmm? In 3000 years if the only place archeologists dig is our current day Beverly Hills then the view of how we lived will really be wrong.
Most of us don't live like Puff Doodle or J. Whoa so how can they expect to understand anything if all they study is the money. This theme followed over to a study on how slaves lived in relation to the masters they served. Jefferson was cited as having the best camouflage. He hated slavery yet his wealth was from and maintained by over 200 slaves. He had special features built into his estate to hide the slaves from the eyes of visitors and one could surmise perhaps himself. The kitchen had dumb waiters and secret pass-throughs so that the food could be delivered and served without the guests ever seeing a hand. I treat some memories this way. I have a secret corridor and hidden places where, only when I have too, I wrestle with the forces of darkness. Is there a greater purpose to all this time and effort?
I would like to think that this isn't some cosmic accident but at the same time does anyone remember the single life of any poor working class shmoe who worked on the NY subways 100 years ago. For a brief time the memory stays but as time marches on the memories grow more distant until they are just a mention in a story from a distant relative. My mother's mother Dorthy has a strong place in my life. She's been gone for over ten years but I still feel her hand in my life and it was her hand that helped bring me to where I am today. I could have ended up in a million different parallel universes and perhaps I have. Is there a high school English teacher version of me? Married to Jennifer and living in upstate NY a few blocks from her parents. Do our kids behave and what sort of mental state am I in? Am I happy or am I like many of my old friends who do complain about their spouses, houses, and lack of energy. Or how is the Army Sean faring? Do I work well in the new Army after all these years. When I started out it was a very different world and I did consider making it a career at one point. Supply and forklifts are always in demand and it was a nice place to serve and be somewhat comfortable. I totally respect and admire those who marched, trained and put themselves in harms way time and time again. It is these men and women who really make up the heart and soul of our modern military. But you know what?
These folks need showers and clean uniforms. They need fuel for their trucks and they need rounds for the tanks. That's where guys like me came in, we can count. May not seem like a big deal but everything in the service comes down to a count. Those that can count usually don't end up marching. Trust me, it's true. Paint it anyway you like but in life math does count, no pun intended. Another quality skill was the forklift. Again may not seem like rocket science but unless the supplies can be unloaded without destroying them or worse they are useless. You don't want to dump a load of Sidewinder missiles in the middle of an ammo supply point. We were kings. I kind of miss my big forklift at times. I rode high above the world and you knew exactly what needed to be done each day. Move the numbers then go play. And play we did. Am I happy in that life? Did I ever marry or am I single? What rank did I make? That's another road I passed on long ago. More possible endings.
How would life have turned out if I had been better to Ann? Would I still be in retail? Would I have grown into that funny supermarket manager that I made fun of when I was 16? Stretch pants and lots of beer. Each year would be the same and I would mark the season's change by the changing end caps in the store. Holidays working and Tuesdays off, I would need that first 20 minutes each night to "unwind" with a few Molson's but hell my wife would have been one of the best people I have ever known. Missed opportunities? For me yes, for her no. This life would not have been a happy one for her so perhaps it's best that we shared our path when it was good and she moved on when it started to go bad.
Relationships change and grow just like people do. My problem was that I had stopped growing and she had not. Man we are digging way into the cave today! I did say this is a work in progress and often I just type what ever comes out and then go back and fashion it into the pithy essays you've grown to expect from the Leftcoaster. My spot here at the coffee shop is being roped off for the local wood chuck talent fiesta dejour. I see banjos and Jews harps so I am going to sign off from here and head back over the bridge before Jethro gets riled. Funny, only a few miles outside of San Francisco and yes Virginia there are hillbillies.
Updated 11-03-2002
What a mess yesterday, I can't believe I just ran at the keyboard all day long. I will be able to use some it though. In fact I was re-reading this morning and I like the parallel thread idea I was playing with. On the way back from Sausalito I stopped in the city to say hi to Lexi and pick up the Limited Edition Spider-Man DVD Boxed Set. Then it was Spider-Man movie heaven for Leftcoast. Couch and the wall crawler.
The morning after... Spider-Man hangover. The DVD comes with lots of extras, usually I ignore that stuff but since the Spidey and I go way back to issue 98 from the original series I didn't want to miss a morsel. Interviews with Stan Lee and a fistful of the artists who have influenced the look of our favorite hero plus the screen tests for Toby. The collector's set includes another DVD with more from Stan Lee and Kevin Smith. You might be familiar with Kevin Smith as Silent Bob from the Clerks movies and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Kevin also writes comics for Marvel and he is currently working on the Daredevil movie which will star Ben Affleck. Busy guy but he know comics and his recent work tries to inject a lot of the fun that has been missing from the medium.
Updated 11-04-2002
I promised a big finish and it just came to me this morning. After watching Spider-Man for the 10th time and making dinner for Ruby it all seemed to click together. The journey or life quest is the point, I don't care if I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. Who decides, because if I start comparing my life with other's I'm either a big winner or big loser. Depends on where you are standing. I think I'll decide to big the big winner this round. My tribe is strong, my health and hair are still in full supply, I have a few dollars still in the bank, and finally after everything else the most important thing I learned this year is that I can still love. People think the human body is pretty frail, it doesn't take much to cause damage or kill but the human "spiritual heart" is tougher than a tank. That's the thing that makes me get up and shave, that's the thing that means maybe tomorrow I have another chance to feel my chest swell. At my age that could also mean coronary arrest but you know what I mean.
My tribe has also shown me that there are many more than two ways to be in love. My old paradigm consisted of "family & friend" love and a "weirdo warped" sense of what romantic love should be. Everyone fit neatly into one or the other category. This past year I also learned that there are just as many types of love as people. This revelation has opened a new world of being connected. I can love different people in different ways and I can be loved in a variety ways. Keep it clean, this is a family website. The trick is not the loving part but the receiving part.
We can't ever expect or rate the way in which love is presented to us. First off, if you are receiving any of the various "healthy" varieties of love shut up and sit down. You guys totally screw it up for the rest of us. You who bitch and moan about the level of appreciation they aren't receiving in their relationships. Give because you want to give, not because you expect a reward. Remove the passion and seize the moment and time can once again be on your side. Every day that I wake up here in paradise makes me want another and another. Sure some are slow and boring but overall it only stays that way if I let it. These are issues I can handle. My heart is another matter but if the next year is half the fun and calories if this one then I'll play to lose. Peace to everyone and be nice to everyone because it's easier.
Fin--
Sean
Review part Deux - The pictures